Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Douche-baggy pants

Guys. We’ve talked about this. I thought we cleared things up three years ago.
Bro. No.
The worst part of this (apart from knee-dragging crotches, it doesn’t really get any worse than that) is the inspiration for this sudden surge in boys looking stupid. Put something ridiculous on a high-fashion model and it will take two to three years for a watered-down version to hit the racks in New Zealand. Put it on a Bieber, and it’s a poo-pants party within months.

It’s a sad sad world we live in.
I’ve seen two offenders within a week. Ok, this isn’t the best example, but it’s hard to surreptitiously snap a pic of someone as they’re walking in front of you. The best I could do was to scuttle up really close behind him, uncomfortably so, and then stop suddenly at the right time to catch his crotch a-swingin’. The other one I saw was walking towards me, and I don’t quite have the courage to ask people to pose when I’m about to slate them on the internet. “Yeah, check out my blog… in which I tell the world you look like a douche.”

I like to amuse myself by thinking that this new-look Biebs is a joke on Usher’s part. He’s like “Hey man, you should totally wear these idiotic pants, and then see how long it takes for other idiots to follow”. All-the-while, Usher sniggers quietly while looking his dashing best.
I guess that’s the great thing about having a protégé.

Or pro-douché, in this case.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

taking on texture

As cooler weather threatens (theoretically, if not physically) autumn/winter fashion emerges with a visible increase in textures. Three textures are reigning the pre-fall products, offerings such as baroque, quilting and mixed materials such as leather and denim on previously single-fabric items (think leather lapels or denim sleeves on a cotton blazer).

So what’s the deal with texture?

Cooler seasons allow us to layer up and worry less about bulky fabrics on our lovely summer bodies. This makes it an ideal time for designers to add warmth and texture into garments. This doesn’t mean I give anyone license to wear a puffa vest, but you may want to think about stylish and sensible textures that add depth and warmth to your outfit.

ASOS pants


Baroque started to come in at the end of winter 2012 and I ignored its presence for a couple of reasons. 1) throw-back fabrics like this don’t usually last the distance and 2) who wants to look like estate house upholstery. While it oozes sumptuousness and wealth with the addition of gold threading and filigree designs, the fabrics tend to be thick and stiff – just like the stuff you find in curtains and couch coverings – which is where they belong. If you’re going to do it I would suggest a baroque cigarette leg pant, smoking slippers or heels, with a crisp white t-shirt and blazer combo to keep it simple up top. Make it modern.


Glassons quilted skirt
Quilting is a tricky one to pull off because the thickness of the material will add bulk to your frame. I did see a cute quilted ‘leather’ skirt at Glassons yesterday that caught my eye, but I’d want to wear it with light coloured stockings or bare legs to stop from losing the texture with black on black tights. Quilted jackets are only for those of us who don’t have to worry about adding kilos onto our frames. Broad shoulders, big boobs, or thick waists are going to make a quilted jacket bring the rest of you out to that biggest point. Again, it’s thick and fairly stiff material, so it’s not a curvy girl’s friend. It might look great on the hanger, or on the size 6 in the picture, but check it out in the mirror before you decide to jump on this bandwagon. If you can’t pull it off on your body, go for a cute quilted bag. This way you can enjoy the trend without doing your figure any injustice.

Note: Puffa jackets/vests are not part of this ‘fashion’. They are a plague to the sartorially sensitive. They belong in Antarctica. Not Lambton Quay.


Woollen sleeves on a denim jacket. Leather lapels on a cotton blazer. Panelled pants and leggings. Mixing materials is a fun way to update an old design and you can expect to see a lot of it over winter. We saw alot of contrast sleeves last year and it's another way to colour block within a single garment. I don’t have too much to say about this really. It’s inoffensive in most cases.

Also be warned that double denim is back. I’ve never been a fan of denim jackets. Hated mine as a kid in the early 90s and that has stayed with me since. Some people look great in them, but I just find them restrictive and boxy. Denim for me is for jeans. But you’ll be seeing dungarees, pinafores, vests and jackets before the first frost settles. Mostly on the younger ones that don’t know any better.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The best-fitting jeans ever

I went down to Jeanswest today because I’d spotted a beautiful pair of purple jeans in the window. A blackberry hue that’s dark enough to slim but bold enough to stand out. And we all know my great love of purple.

They’re right there in the doorway and upon inspection I’m already afraid of the fiasco that is jeans fittings.
My last experience had me in Wild Pair for about an hour and a half trying to find something that wasn’t gaping at the waist or too small to pull over my thighs. I imagined that I had told you all about it but it may have been during my blog drought. After all that I ended up buying a pair that I could barely do up. The shop girl (probably tired of my small waist and big bum by now) told me to buy the too-small pair. “They’re perfect if you can only just do the button up” they always say… Those jeans have now sat in my wardrobe for three or so months. I’ve tried them on a couple of times and always taken them off for something that makes me feel less like a sausage. They are very nice jeans, and I’m sure my wardrobe appreciates them.

I have news for the fashion designers out there – small girls can have big butts.
I have a small waist and often have to compromise on pants and skirts. They either fit my bottom half and gape at the top or fit my waist and restrict me from sitting or bending – if I can get them over my butt at all.

So the off-putting business is right there on the tag. “Super Skinny” it says. I walk away. Super skinny means no thighs, hips or ass. Super skinny is super depressing in my experience. Jeanswest also stocks jeans which are “Curve Embracing”. I like the sound of that. They have Curve Embracers in another purple, but it’s not as warm as the ones I’ve got my heart set on. The staff bring me no joy. There’s no curve embracing blackberries out the back. I resign to trying on the dreaded super skinnies.
Win! They pull over my thighs. Win! They slip over my hips. And Win! makes three. The waist is a nice height and it fits snuggly. My tummy and ass are firmly embraced. No muffin, no crack.

These jeans are perfect. They feel lovely and look great. I am joyous to tell the girl I will take them, and they are the best fitting jeans I’ve tried in years. So thanks Jeanswest! You just made my day.

Jeanswest blackberry jeans are available in 'curve embracer', 'super skinny' and 'maternity' styles on their website at