Monday, June 20, 2011

haters anonymous

Being a celebrity comes with so many perks, us poor common folk can only hope for a downside that might bring them back to earth. Well there is. Aside from those pesky paps, it’s an open forum for anonymous haters that makes me feel better about living the quiet life. I dare say most of them don’t care, and why should they? There’s enough loving lowly plebs to fill their ever-greedy egos. But there’s always a few who people really have a peev about. Here’s a few of mine.

Top of the list: Gwyneth Paltrow. Born into celebrity, this gawky blonde makes my blood boil just looking at her. I couldn’t believe it when Hollywood heart throb and sneaky stoner Brad Pitt almost married this plastic-faced square. She was the antithesis of his cool. And I could care less if she says she’s had no plastic surgery, her face is so taut it looks like she preserves it in glad wrap. Old ladies do that with their furniture too, but that doesn’t make it a good idea. And since when does she think she’s a singer? Just because you were one half of an awful duet in a just-as-awful movie, doesn’t give you licence to infiltrate my ears. You only made it on to Glee because small girls epitomise you as their “dream mom”, not because you have any particular talent for acting or singing. Not that Glee is a promising indicator for fame (as far as I’m concerned), it’s more of a magazine spread come-to-life for sellout musicians we might otherwise forget about. BTW, fuck you Glee. And just because you moved to London and married a “rock star” doesn’t make you any cooler or legitimate as an artist. Your husband is one of the biggest douches in musical history and his band has reproduced the same shitty album every year since they arrived on the scene (Parachutes aside). Being touted as an “alternative rockband” on Wiki is about as close to calling meat and three veg a journey through a rich gourmet landscape. It’s an insult to alternative rock! If they’re so alternative, why does every song they make sound the fucking same!? Now, back to Gwynnie, wtf gives you the right to tell other people how to live? For the love of GOOP! Anyone can write a blog! How unfortunate that yours will be involved in the lives of so many sheep because of your apparent fame. If you’re such a wonderful housewife and mother, how about taking a step back and thinking about renaming your poor child, Apple. It’s not even a “biblical name” as you so proudly quoted, it’s as biblical a name as “begat” or “hath” – these are also words that appear in the bible. Apple is merely one of them.
Wilma Flintstone called, she wants her LBD back.

Wow, that felt goopd! Who’s next in line for hate mail?

There’s probably a few in this category, but one thing that really bugs me is celebrities everyone thinks is hot, when they are just so not. Leading the race in this stream is Halle Berry. Ok, let’s get it out of the way that I can see her appeal to some horny idiot who thinks everyone on TV is a ‘babe’. She once was a babe, back in the 90s when we used that word. Apparently that’s the last time she considered a makeover as well, because that 90s mom haircut isn’t doing it for anyone. You weren’t even a mum when you got it! You just chopped your hair off thinking it would make you edgy, rather than plain old hot, and guess what, you failed. Halle is no more edgy than safety scissors. Those frosted tips aren’t fooling anyone either. Someone must have thought it was a good idea back in 97 but a decade’s gone by baby – grow it out! She constantly tries to sex it up in the clothes she wears but tries too hard! Not only is her hair stuck in the 90s, her wardrobe’s back there too. We all know you’re (apparently) smoking hot, stop wearing lingerie on the red carpet. And get that smarmy look off your face – you’re not nearly as hot as you think you are.

Also falling flat on her horse face is Jessica Biel. Sure, Americans think she’s pretty, but their opinion of beauty is about as skewed as their opinion on healthy. Just because you didn’t supersize it doesn’t mean you’re making a well-informed choice of meal. And just because someone has a big mouth doesn’t make them attractive. Neeeiiigh brhrrhrhrhr! If you’re relying on your looks to get you through as an “actor”, you might want to rethink your career choice – that also goes for you, “man-face” Jennifer Garner. Show us your ears.
image from exposay.com
Scarlett Johansson has only recently redeemed herself – something about her mouth made me think she was stupid. I think I like her more since seeing her in Vicky Christina Barcelona. If Woody Allen thinks she’s got something between her ears then perhaps she’s not as moronic as she looks. It takes using your brain and heart to leave someone like Ryan Reynolds only to move on to an old fugger like Sean Penn. Girl obviously had her reasons!

I think at this point I might have to save some more for Part 2. It seems my hate exceeds the length of a reasonable post. I also might have to have a think about some males for the list. Today’s rant was very fem-heavy – and I don’t want you thinking I’m a lady-hater. Chris Martin is in here of course, but that goes without saying really.
Hmmm.. how can we possibly come across even douchier?

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