Friday, October 1, 2010

rant on pants

I usually leave men’s fashion to the experts – their girlfriends (I kid, I kid!). Most guys seem to know what they’re doing but things have been going awry for more than a year now. There is an issue that must be addressed. It’s obviously something that is mainly affecting today’s male youth – already a bunch of skinny-jean wearing floppy-haired saps with questionable sexuality – but this one’s gone too far. Somewhere between winter’s skinny jean and summer shorts a fashion was born.

Like a mongrel cross-breed of bike shorts and denim, this gross miscarriage of fashion should never have occurred. And unlike many fashions that try and fail, this one has somehow slipped through to a second season. If you ask me, and many other readers, it should have been aborted long ago.

I’m talking about skinny denim knee-length shorts. Possibly the gayest-looking male fashion ever. And I don’t mean that in an unintentionally anti-gay “that’s so gay” way – I mean it in a “it makes you look like you are gay” way. Misguided gaydars are blipping all over town. So stop it. Stop the madness right now!

The uptake seems to be worse amongst youthful mods who think coloured plastic sunnies are the height of cool, synthesised voice makes the song, and Kanye is god. Even He’s managed to maintain a certain looseness and softness to the fabric of his short pants and I applaud him for it. Although that’s not saying much – these days I would applaud him for being any less of an asshat than his usual douchey self. But I digress. This fashion madness seems to be confined to those between the age of 15 and 25. If I saw it on anyone over the age of 25 I would be seriously concerned about their capacity for mental growth. We can forgive mistakes of the youth.

For some reason the worst case scenario is the light wash skinny variety, although I can’t give any credit to those slightly looser, darker and with the uber wanky upturned cuffs. Upturned cuffs are generally for when your pants are too long my friend – what are you doing out there? – wading through knee-high water all day? Why would you ever need to turn your cuff up at the knees? And if your shorts are long as to rub your knoees - buy shorter shorts!

And then there’s the general skinniness of them all. The whole point of shorts is comfort in the summer. A bit of breeze up the leghole that pants can’t offer. Do you really need your junk pressed awkwardly between flesh and unrelenting denim in the hot summer months? Why would you do that to yourself?

There is a recurring theme here people and it is “why?” Why? Why? Why? And why?

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