Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A-peeling Fashion

"Onions have layers".

Well said Shrek. Because when it comes to winter, I am about as onion-ish as one could get. No i'm not talking about peeling back my tough exterior emotions to reveal the crazy inner being. I'm talking layers upon layers of our fav thing, clothes.

Yes, we love clothes like Tiger Woods loves sex, but in the colder seasons they can become a bit of a nuisance.

If you've seen me, you know I'm not very big. I don't possess a lot of excess fat to keep me well insulated. Therefore I have to compensate with the onion system. On any one day in winter I will be wearing at least three layers, in an air conditioned office, and that's not including underwear. Going outside is a different story - if it's a typical Wellington evening the onion may be working up to five layers on the upper half. On a rainy day I'll be rocking a sweet singlet-long sleeved top-cardigan-jacket-rain jacket combo. 'Why do you wear so many layers?' you may ask. 'Why don't you invest in a good thick rainproof jacket?' I'll tell you why. Because rocking the ski jacket makes me look like a dweeb. And I don't want to look like a dweeb. I gave in to the dweebiness last week because it was just too cold. But then I got to work and realised I had my name and phone number sewn inside the jacket. Thanks Mum.

The onion game reaches its worst when something in your day involves removing clothing and having to put it back on again. Like going to the bathroom. In me and Hazel's case, the bathrooms at work are very...well intimate. If you're taking a while, its all very awkward because whoever's waiting is about 3 mm away from you. And when there's onions involved, it ALWAYS takes a long time. I am often doing the mad scramble to pull up stockings, tuck in singlets, untuck cardigans, hitch up skirts etc so people don't think I have some kind of bowel problem. Instead they just think I'm retarded because there's so many rustling noises coming from the cubicle.

My all time un-favourite activity to be doing whilst working the onion is when I'm clothes shopping. I go into the changing rooms, and off come the layers. Ok if you're trying on a cardigan, or a coat. But if its anything skimpier then its going to get tricky, especially in useless shops where there's nowhere to hang your stuff, grrrr. It all becomes too much for me, so I usually start to ditch some layers here and there each time I try something on and stuff them into my bag.

My paranoia gets the better of me at this point. I'm pretty sure it sounds like I'm nicking clothes, what with the taking forever in the changing rooms, the sound of something being stuffed into a plastic bag, and then finally emerging with that flustered look on my face. No one seems to have called security yet though. So that's good.

It's not even July yet, so who knows how much more oniony I'll get. Perhaps I'll be re-visiting the dweeby look again :(

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

harem scarem

I’ve avoided this topic for a long time, because I feel that it’s just too ridiculous to waste an RSI-inducing typing frenzy and resultant image search. But here we are. I’m about to write the words; harem pants.

Call them what you will. Some are referred to as drop crotch, some are closer to jodhpurs, the general term is harem pants, but these silhouette-defying, crotch-swinging fart pants (that’s what we called them, back in the Hammer days) are too far from Arabian nights to be seen in my books.

Ok, we’ve seen some nice examples on the runways. But let’s be reasonable; what else do you see on the runway that you, as a normal person, wouldn’t put on your body if you were paid. No one’s running around with their bra out à la Lady Gaga and the resulting runway fashion. No one is wearing hoof shoes, even after the demise of Alexander McQueen.

High fashion is a visual feast best taken with a grain of salt.

So what of these harem pants? I’ve seen a sports version, kind of princess Jasmine-goes-to-the-gym style trackies which aren’t too bad. Especially if you aren’t too keen on figure-hugging sportswear. But full-on puff pants? Sparkly ones even! If I actually see someone in the outside world wearing these things I’ll eat my hat. I’ll also point at them and yell “No!” (Possibly only in my head, but in my head they will cower in shame and run away to remove said pants for something more acceptable.) Ah, imaginary redemption.

The worst case of fail is these drop-crotch travesties. The name produces imagery of a person who recently poo’d their pants and now has to wander around with their crotch hanging low so said poo doesn’t rub on their pant legs. I can only imagine the wearers of these pants walking awkwardly with legs akimbo like some kind of high-fashion crab. A Dr Zoidberg woop-woop wouldn’t go astray. Imean What Is The Point? To look like you mistakenly wore pants and a skirt but then got the skirt hooked in your undies after a trip to the bathroom. Front and back.

Seriously, it looks like when I was a kid and used to sometimes put my jumpers on my legs like pants. Is this what the designers are going for? Reminiscent imagery of childhoods past? If so, I suggest a fashion called “the fly”, where a garment is worn on the head, and although it may bear a striking resemblance to undies, it is in fact haut couture. Send money now.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

sock it to me baby

There’re a few items on the agenda today. There are people walking the street over- and under-doing it on the hosiery front. How so? You might ask. Well let me tell you, there seems to be a misunderstanding about the use of stockings and socks with certain footwear. In this case it’s the inappropriate appearance of such things where they just have no right being. On the other hand, who are these people walking around in skirts and flats with no stockings... in winter. I saw a jandal the other day! A JANDAL! In June! This is unacceptable people. It’s cold out there, this is how people get sick!

So let’s look at these offenders one by one.

A and very fashionable informant dropped in on Angeli and me to ask about some strange phenomena she’d come across on the street. Firstly, knee-high stockings above the boot perimeter. NO! I replied instantly. Sock Fail! Your knee-highs (be them socks or stockings) should not poke out of your boot top by any means or form. If you need some extra length due to rubbing or coldness; wear stockings! It’s that simple. Are your knees that much colder than your lower thigh? Are your boots rubbing? They’re probably too small for your chubby legs, because they’re not made to fit that way. GOSH!

What concerned me was that my colleague had doubted her substantial fashion prowess because she’d seen this atrocity more than once. *sigh*

The second issue she brought up was a combination of leggings, socks/stockings and flats. Now we’re not talking about flats, like Keds or Vans (or those Warehouse rip-off that are about 90% cheaper). To wear a sock in a “sneaker” (if you will) (although I’d hate to invoke images of a sport-shoe being worn with leggings outside of an exercise application) with leggings is acceptable. Sure, they should be dark and not surpass the ankle, causing unfortunate sock lines or bunching on the calves, but it can be done. It’s cold and you want to keep your legs warm, we understand. But if you’re so dedicated to your ballet flats that you insist on wearing them into winter, you’d better be ready to face long months of coldness in the sock gap because ballet flat, sock and legging do not make a fashion statement anyone who knows anything (or has eyes in general) will endorse.

Flats with socks can make a cool statement. I’ve been known to do it in the calf-sock-skatey style, which my old boss at the bar I worked at told me I had to stop doing. Or if it’s the high-fashion stakes (or harajuku look) you’re going for, knee highs. But NOT under leggings! Or over your boots!

Some poor misguided soul had the audacity to put “trend alert” labels next to some of these awful awful sock wrongings. No!