Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Onions have layers".
Well said Shrek. Because when it comes to winter, I am about as onion-ish as one could get. No i'm not talking about peeling back my tough exterior emotions to reveal the crazy inner being. I'm talking layers upon layers of our fav thing, clothes.
Yes, we love clothes like Tiger Woods loves sex, but in the colder seasons they can become a bit of a nuisance.
If you've seen me, you know I'm not very big. I don't possess a lot of excess fat to keep me well insulated. Therefore I have to compensate with the onion system. On any one day in winter I will be wearing at least three layers, in an air conditioned office, and that's not including underwear. Going outside is a different story - if it's a typical Wellington evening the onion may be working up to five layers on the upper half. On a rainy day I'll be rocking a sweet singlet-long sleeved top-cardigan-jacket-rain jacket combo. 'Why do you wear so many layers?' you may ask. 'Why don't you invest in a good thick rainproof jacket?' I'll tell you why. Because rocking the ski jacket makes me look like a dweeb. And I don't want to look like a dweeb. I gave in to the dweebiness last week because it was just too cold. But then I got to work and realised I had my name and phone number sewn inside the jacket. Thanks Mum.
The onion game reaches its worst when something in your day involves removing clothing and having to put it back on again. Like going to the bathroom. In me and Hazel's case, the bathrooms at work are very...well intimate. If you're taking a while, its all very awkward because whoever's waiting is about 3 mm away from you. And when there's onions involved, it ALWAYS takes a long time. I am often doing the mad scramble to pull up stockings, tuck in singlets, untuck cardigans, hitch up skirts etc so people don't think I have some kind of bowel problem. Instead they just think I'm retarded because there's so many rustling noises coming from the cubicle.
My all time un-favourite activity to be doing whilst working the onion is when I'm clothes shopping. I go into the changing rooms, and off come the layers. Ok if you're trying on a cardigan, or a coat. But if its anything skimpier then its going to get tricky, especially in useless shops where there's nowhere to hang your stuff, grrrr. It all becomes too much for me, so I usually start to ditch some layers here and there each time I try something on and stuff them into my bag.
My paranoia gets the better of me at this point. I'm pretty sure it sounds like I'm nicking clothes, what with the taking forever in the changing rooms, the sound of something being stuffed into a plastic bag, and then finally emerging with that flustered look on my face. No one seems to have called security yet though. So that's good.
It's not even July yet, so who knows how much more oniony I'll get. Perhaps I'll be re-visiting the dweeby look again :(
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Seriously, it looks like when I was a kid and used to sometimes put my jumpers on my legs like pants. Is this what the designers are going for? Reminiscent imagery of childhoods past? If so, I suggest a fashion called “the fly”, where a garment is worn on the head, and although it may bear a striking resemblance to undies, it is in fact haut couture. Send money now.