Thursday, November 26, 2009

shoe debris

I recently made a solid effort to haul out all the shoes in my wardrobe and assess what had become a very chaotic situation.

After years of shoe acquirement, the bottom of my wardrobe had developed into a graveyard for many un-worshipped pairs, mixed in with the dearly loved. I can’t believe I let it get so bad. Such pandemonium doesn’t often exist on my watch and I hung my usually perpetually organised head in shame. Considering that I won’t let hot and cold foods or rival sauces touch on my plate at dinner, having such mayhem in my wardrobe is almost unimaginable! And yet there it was.

So I went out and bought a couple of DIY shelves. (And I’m very proud to say I wielded a screwdriver and actually did it myself.) After throwing out three pairs of black boots that haven’t seen the light of day for many-a-year (and numerous other monstrosities), I counted up, categorised, and proudly displayed my collection in methodical order. Satisfaction was mine.

It’s not quite as good as I imagine it will be once I’m rich and have a walk-in wardrobe and the dream shoe shelves that Carrie Bradshaw gets in the SATC movie. But it’s a start. I’m surprised at myself now that I didn’t make an itemised list while I was at it. For no real reason except that list-making is such a favourite pastime of mine and once I get into an organising mood it doesn’t take much to set me off. But (as per usual) I digress.

It turned out that after the rubbishing I have over 30 pairs of shoes, boots, heels and sandals. I was quite pleased with this number and my self satisfaction increased somewhat along with a grand sense of achievement. If only someone had been there to share it with me. :(

Instead I told my colleague about it when I went to work the next day and she totally shot me down, stating that she had about 60 pairs.

‘Where does she keep them?’ I wondered, ‘and are they placed in an orderly fashion?’ I guess she has over ten years of shoe-buying time on me but her prowess was intimidating. Obviously she is as dedicated to the cause as I am.

It kinda rained on my parade, but in this day and age it’s nice to have someone to look up to.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Over exposure: bra-wear gone bad

Dear ladies who wear bras under their strapless tops,

The next one of you I see making this heinous offence, I am going to snap your bra strap so hard, that even if you finally come to the realisation that it’s a crime, your straps would be forever imprinted on your fashion-faux-pas-laden backs.

Love, the haze.

But seriously. Do the young ladies of today not look in the mirror before they leave the house? Too many times I’ve seen hideous bra straps poking out of boob tubes, strapless dresses, one-shoulder dresses (!) and spaghetti-strap dresses. And not just those “invisible” ones (because clear plastic is impervious to light reflection…), but full-on nana bras that you wouldn’t wear infront of your long-term boyfriend, let alone a potential at the pub.

So why are they doing it? There is a myriad of wonderous inventions for holding in the boobage these days. Strapless, for a start. This is pretty basic stuff people. Strapless top = strapless bra. Even the trannys manage to that one right! And you’re falling pretty far behind if a man in hot pink satin is outdoing you in the fashion stakes.

Depending on your size, and the robustness of your outfit, you can probably get away with free range. Especially with the bodice-type dresses these days. Sometimes this is a better option than even a strapless, because pumping up your cleavage in a heart-shaped top can flex the material outwards, in which case anyone slightly taller than your breasts can see down your top anyway. It can also create a bit of “side boob” by the armpit if you’re more endowed and that’s no good either!

There’s fashion tape. There’s those gel dealies, which I haven’t personally tried, but they look like chicken breasts and are very cold at first touch. There’s the good-ol’ bandeau for boobtubes (and adding a bit of tape over the nipple can fix you up on a cold day, FYI). There’s so many options I can’t imagine why I am still subjected to the ugliness of poke-through bras. But there you go. The downfall of a fashionable society in exchange for the upkeep of a few boobs.

Friday, November 20, 2009

For ffffashion's sake!

Why do girls who consider themselves oh-so-fashionable insist on wearing hideous, and outrageously expensive, dresses that don’t flatter them?

I’m positive that certain shops put hallucinogenic in the air vents above the changing room mirrors, otherwise, these women are purposely cladding themselves in unsuitable clothing just for the sake of being “fashionable”.

You know how you see things on the catwalk and say, “yeah, but that would only ever look good on a size 6.” Well it seems that larger trend followers run to the shops to purchase these items, clearly ignoring those limitations.

One of the worst offending outfits of the 2000s was the bubble skirt. For some reason hoards of larger fashion followers seemed to run to the shops to purchase these, without taking fit and figure into account. My advise on these pieces is - if your bubble is over a butt only Sir Mix-A-Lot can appreciate, don't go there. Let the models have these ones!

Now I’m not saying all catwalk fashion is exclusive to the physically-blessed smaller ladies. I’m talking about wearing clothes that actually suit your figure, rather than just buying something because it's a Karen Walker or comes from World or Ricochet.

So many times I’ve heard, “omg, I got this fab dress from [insert overly-expensive design store here] and it cost me like $300!” Careful thinking is required before making a response. How can you say to your friends, “wow, you just spent $300 on something unflattering and awkward, I bought this dress for $60 from [favourite generic store] and it does wonders for me!”

You don’t have to spend big bucks to look good. Specialty items from design stores are amazing to have, but the truth is, you can’t wear them every day and more often than not, they don’t actually look good on regular people.

Is there something about larger ladies that makes them think, “if I can’t be a size 6, at least I’ll be at the cutting edge of fashion, whether it suits me or not.”

It’s like a suicidal defiance for susceptible fashion victims.

ps. I tried to find some images to support the article but "unflattering clothing" isn't a search that pops up too many hits - imean, who wants that label on their clothing? Hilariously, the image that kept coming up was of Jessica Simpson when she got a bit of the chub on and wore that high-waisted jeans + many belts number. poor thing.

pps. I have nothing against any of the design stores mentioned - they make beautiful clothing - it's just not for everyone. I'd probably shop there if I could afford it, given that I'm borderline acceptably skinny to suit the clothes!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Not in da dictionary

I have very little to no respect for people who insist on writing ‘the’ as ‘da’. Not only is it a misinformed use of the vernacular (and the people I see using it are not members of the covert prestige group – merely incongruous imitators), but it’s a grand statement of their general ignorance and inability to connect with their own language group.

Word to the wise people, it doesn’t make you gansta, it makes you sounds like a fucking moron.

Not to mention the fact that written language is a visual representation of the words we speak – unless you actually say it like that, there's no reason for you to write it that way. AND! It’s not even easier to say. The “d” sound requires an initial stop after most words, so unless you’re combining it with “inda hood” it really doesn’t make your life any easier. If you’re stupid enough to use this, try and make the English language easier for your simple mind to articulate.

Every time I read a text, tweet, status update with this form I instantly regard this person to be an uneducated idiot whose ideas and opinions should be instantly disregarded due to their inability to write a message correctly. I mean seriously, how much more effort is it to write t-h-e over d-a? These cretins have probably input it as a word in their dictionary, because even the limited understanding of their cellphone doesn’t recognise this as a word. Mine suggests “fa” first. This is how witless you are!

If any one has the idiocy to defend their usage, you had better be African American. Don’t even get me started on the intricacies of the vernacular and overt/covert prestige. Let’s just say, the prestige of using Black American language applies to people who are, GASP, Black American. How wondrous?!

To anyone else, if you want to be taken seriously, don’t speak to me like you’re from the hood. It is insulting to be associated with such insidious misusers of my language.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Keeping up with company

However often I go shopping for clothes (quite often, as it is) I can never seem to keep up with the things that I see other people wearing and therefore want. I spend a lot of money on clothing and my wardrobe is bountiful, but I find that as soon as I wear something out once its fashion value is suddenly lost.

I’m not talking about work clothes. I have plenty to work with there and you tend to find that you just wear the same clothes in different combinations each week. It’s the Saturday outfits I can’t seem to ever have enough of. It feels like as soon as my friends have seen me wear something I couldn’t possibly wear it in their company again. Especially those friends of friends who you only see on Saturday nights and who seem to have a endless supply of gorgeous on-trend clothing that is flattering and understated yet has that designer store look about them.

And there’s a catch 22 about buying clothes as well. These beautiful pieces the friend of friend has look like they come from expensive shops. I have no problem spending $100 on a nice dress, but I’m a real sucker for value. Why buy one expensive dress when you could get two or three items for the same price? Ok, so the items from “value” stores like Glassons and Supre never quite have the same expensive “look” to them, but they do the job nicely in most situations. Getting more for my money is my downfall in this case. Maybe I need to see the value in buying one beautiful item a week, rather than the bulk lot.

It’s all about the accessories as well. Not only do you have to buy a dress, top or tunic every week or so to keep up with things, you have to buy a scarf or belt to go with it. I have never had so many types of belt in my life! When belts first came back into fashion (the “over-the-clothing” type of belt rather than holds-your-pants-up) I didn’t get into it. Now I have, I dunno, one million of them, in all different shapes, colours and elasticity. Now that I’m embracing the belt, it seems that I can’t keep up with them either. But I’ve gone beyond the point of no return, and I could not give up the belts at this time. Those faithful dividers enhance my waistline like the Great Wall – once a mark of exclusion and suffering, now a landmark of great wonder…

Yesterday I calmed my shopping need, in order to keep up with my fashionable friends, (and to retain sanity), and I went both ways. I got my bulk lot. Five items for under $100. I then invested in a sale item of great beauty and expense. It has that expensive look about it, and although I saw similar items in the value stores, they didn’t have the luxurious appeal of this piece, and they screamed “replica”, rather than the subtle originality that this dress possesses. I then bought a $5 belt to finish it off. No one has to know!

If only I had somewhere to wear it. I guess part of the problem is that when you buy nice things, you don’t want to spill drinks on them, sit on dirty pews, or associate with smokers – all things that make up the weekends of my life.

Perhaps I need to invest in some more high-priced friends also, so I keep my nice things exclusive, and persist with my replicas for my usual plebeian company.

note: the top dress is $199, the bottom is about $30. This is what I'm talking about in terms of cost vs value. Although you may essentially get the same look, the more expensive item is clearly nicer in terms of material, design and colour.